Note: All situations discussed in this article are hypothetical and created for the enjoyment of Prep students.
1st Round Results and 2nd Round Preview
#8 Mr. Colwell vs. #16 Mr. Ng by Alec Thomas and Trent Robison
Mr. Colwell breezed through his first round defeating Mr. Baltzer with ease as the history teacher couldn’t find a winning strategy in the history books. Mr. Colwell looks to face the 16 seed Mr. Ng after the draw was blown up after he topped Mr. Smith, the number one seed. When asked about his match up, Mr. Colwell didn’t sugar coat his abilities saying, “There are no other competitors that can match my sneaky athleticism and my knowledge of the human body to systematically take down my opponent regardless of their physical ability. After having reached the Final Four last year, I have spent the past year training and preparing for just this event. My tolerance for physical pain and mental anguish will set me apart from the competition.” We can see how well he preformed in the first round look for him to heat up as he battles Ng.
Mr. Ng is the big talk of the week as he defeated Mr. Smith in the first round of the teacher fight bracket. This week he takes on Mr. Colwell. Although Ng faces a tough task this week as he takes on the Seminoles fan, Mr. Colwell, Ng has a lot of special hidden talents when it comes to fighting. First off he stands at approximately 6’3″ and weighs in at just over 175 pounds. A tall, lean cut of a human-being, Ng loves to go with the upper cut. In fact, he used that move ninety-five percent of his fight against Mr. Smith. Ng doesn’t want to tell any of his other secrets as he told the media that he could not answer any questions at this time. Mr. Ng is staying calm, cool, and collected as he prepares to face a tough opponent. With his win last week over Mr. Smith, there shouldn’t be any reason to not pick Ng for not only his round two fight but to win the whole bracket. With his large, strong frame, Ng is unstoppable for the remainder of the fights, and for the rest of the school year.
#4 Coach G vs. #5 Mr. Achille by Jaryn Simpson and Mark Majewski
Mr. Achille, defending champ of the fight bracket, is coming in with a huge win over the 12th seed, Mr. Markley. His matchup for this second round is against Coach G, beloved gym teacher and former Villanova lineman. He thinks that even if Coach G has the body advantage on him he has the experience of winning. From his winnings at the Casinos to the Rambler Cup and even last year’s bracket, Mr. Achille is always a fan favorite. He has a great shot of winning it not only just this matchup but also the whole Bracket Challenge.
Coach G has now passed the first round. His next opponent is Mr. Achille. Coach Grychowski feels like he has the upper hand do to his physical ed experience against “math skills”. Physical beings can go a lot of way in a fight and that is what Coach G has made his mind up on. Personally, I believe mass and strength would win, but Mr. Achille feels differently. So Coach G could have his hands full, but he looks ready to go. This one will be a mental breakdown for the best to advance to the semifinals. Who will win?
#2 Mr. Ladoucer vs. #10 Mr. Flanagan by Charles Deitrick III and Brian Buseck
Our next matchup is Mr. Mike Flanagan vs Mr. Jason Ladouceur. It is the face off of the facial hair: Mr. Flanagan’s handlebar mustache vs Mr. Ladouceur’s mountain man beard. Mr. Flanagan has stated that “handlebar is clearly superior against the beard.” As far as Flanagan’s experience goes, his grandfather was a professional boxer and “taught him some tricks.” When Flanagan was in grad school he worked as a bartender and bouncer at a bar. He did not enjoy the job, but he definitely gets +20 man points for that occupation. Moving on, Mr. Ladouceur knows he has got a tough fight with statements like, “It’s gonna be a tough fight, he’s pretty athletic and still somewhat spry.” But Mr. L is a very, tough quick opponent who shows zero mercy to anybody. He is very mobile as he played football at Gannon University, and is able to portray his skills he had back then, today. “I predict a third round hip knock out,” is what he had to say about the end outcome of the fight. The age difference between the two is crucial. While Mr. Flanagan has more experience, Mr. L is younger and a lot more shifty and agile. This is the battle between a conservative war hero and a young hippy. We will let you decide which one is which.
#3 Mr. Biebel vs. #6 Mr. Parsons by Roman Zegarelli and Alex Welz
Biebel vs. Parsons? Laughable matchup. Biebel has more reach, far superior speed, plus military training. Biebel had to fight a professional boxer for coastguard training, so you know Biebel can eat any punch thrown his way… that is if Parsons can land one. Also, Biebel can turn any item into a weapon of opportunity with his vast knowledge. Biebel, a visual learner, has picked up fantastic swordsmanship skills through watching Adventure Time on Cartoon Network. Another advantage Biebel has is his lack of hair. Mr. Biebel can pull Parsons’ hair if the battle turns in to a cat fight, but Parsons can’t pull Biebel’s hair. When asked what the outcome of his fight would be, Mr. Biebel said, “In real life, I’ve never fought someone who wasn’t larger than me, so this would be different.” All in all, Biebel would totally take down Parsons.
Welcome to the second annual Ultimate Faculty Fantasy Fighting Championship Bracket, or the UF³C. Our goal is to determine the answer to one simple hypothetical question: if the teachers in the school were to fight, who would reign supreme? We will have regular updates on matchups as well as the results of who moves on to the next round and commentary from some of the competitors. The staff of The Rambler started with 16 teachers and power ranked them to create a bracket. Revisit last year’s results and then read below for a breakdown of this year’s field, which includes five new competitors.
#1 seed: Mr. Smith by Charles Deitrick III
Mr. Smith came in hot this year as principal, cracking down on the rules and telling the Prep boys to follow the student handbook. He is also coming in hot for the UF³C bracket as the number one seed. Can he back up his minor league baseball fighting skills that we saw footage of during the first rally? Mr. Smith is often seen at the gym, and takes lots of Creatine, so whoever is in his path, look out! He may very well be the most feared competitor, despite his short stint with the school thus far. Whether its telling students to button their top button or simply giving a hypothetical whooping to these teachers in the UF³C bracket, Mr. Smith is a force to be reckoned with.
#2 seed: Mr. Ladouceur by Charles Deitrick III
Mr. Ladouceur, otherwise known as Coach L, is coming in this year as the second seed after losing in the quarterfinals against Mr. Parsons last year. This teacher is a crazy man. Although his knee isn’t really a knee anymore, he can still use his upper body to club and rip. He is often seen running through the woods without shoes on. He is chill for the most part, but if you mess with his garden or tell him to wear shoes, he will unleash his Wolverine side. Ladouceur was once known as Wolverine for his facial hair, but it has gradually transformed into a caveman-like beard. Coach L is young, athletic, and experienced. He provides a lot of energy and should be greatly feared coming into this tournament. He is insane and will do anything to win.
# 3 seed: Mr. Biebel by Roman Zegarelli
This “friggin’ dude” is ready to go back to battle after being upset in the quarterfinals last year by his Science Department colleague, Mr. Colwell. Mr. Biebel was in the Coast Guard, so he is no novice to fighting. In fact, Mr. Biebel had to fight a professional boxer while on duty, so he can take punches like a champ. As a physics teacher, Biebel has calculated exactly how to throw the most powerful punches using the WUKWUK equation and projectile motion. Opponents should beware of his powerful spit attacks; they are accurate and deadly. He hasn’t missed the trash can all year with his spit practicing, and sometimes tears a hole in the bag from the sheer force alone. With such an impressive résumé, it would be impossible for Biebel not to be considered an early favorite this year.
#4 seed: Mr. (Chris) Grychowski by Jaryn Simpson
Last year’s top seed, Coach G. is physical education/health teacher at Cathedral Prep. He is well known for his energy boosts of NOS that can really make him stand out in a fight. He is also a very muscular man that has the instincts from his football career. If he is coming at you, you better watch out. He has a great time teaching students how to hit a volleyball and can use that same motion to destroy his opponent. Additionally, he played college football at Villanova and is ready to finally live up to the hype of this tournament after losing in the semifinals last year. He is big, scary, and the last person many want to see matched up against them in this tournament.
#5 seed: Mr. Achille by Mark Majewski
The man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Bob Achille comes into this fight bracket as the defending champion and with years on years of experience. He is also a two-time winner of the Rambler Cup golf tournament. Surely, Mr. Achille knows how to win. He also knows what linear means. He beat some high quality opponents last year on his way to winning the first UF³C. Widely recognized for his fury in the classroom and even on Twitter, Mr. Achille will try to translate that intimidation to this tournament. Coming into this bracket challenge, Achille is the five seed and is looking to become a back-to-back winner of the UF³C.
#6 seed: Mr. Parsons by Alex Welz
Although young, Mr. Parsons has consistently showcased his poise and readiness for the big stage. He played football all through high school and also was heavily involved (and still is) with wrestling. Mr. Parsons possesses the rare skill set of someone with his level of fitness. He works out constantly, being able to bench press over 400 pounds and making sure cardio is still a priority. Muscle milk is a huge part of his diet, as he also happens to be a health freak in tip top shape. So why is such a young, healthy athlete who works out constantly somehow a six seed? With the given description, how can he possibly be this low, especially after he made a run all the way to the finals last year? Well, despite his brute strength, Mr. Parsons stands a meager 5’6″ tall. He lacks the elite wingspan that other participants have. However, his most notable disadvantage may very well be his two knee surgeries along with his limited mobility. Despite these limitations, he has the overall strength, competitiveness, motivation, skill, and drive to overpower anyone he is matched up up against.
#7 seed: Mr. Pituch by Trent Robison
Mr. Pituch is looking particularly strong in this year’s bracket. Pituch, a member of the 1,000-point club as a Villa basketball player, listed at 6’8″ and 220 pounds in the program has massive explosive power. An experienced fighter, he brings a lot of fighting knowledge and tools to the table as he also boxed for Villa back in his day. He can verbally abuse his opponent, always being able to think of quick, effective comebacks on the dime. He can also use logic to talk his way out of trouble as his intellectual/debate skills are off the charts. Look for Mr. Pituch to turn some heads and finally get over that hump this year after losing in the quarterfinals last year.
#8 seed: Mr. Colwell by Alex Welz
Well known for his athletic ability, Mr. Colwell is ready to take on this tournament after being defeated in the semifinals last year. By now, many students have caught on to his incredible hops, insane strength, and all around savvy. Although Mr. Colwell doesn’t hold a Prep legacy like others in this tournament, he has the background and experience to compete with anyone. He isn’t scared and won’t back down. It would be a huge mistake to undermine the potential of this AP Biology stud as he has overcome the odds time and time again. Watch for him to use his athleticism to his advantage and make a run throughout this tournament. He may look and talk nice, but surely, he is not someone to mess with.
#9 seed: Mr. Baltzer by Mark Majewski
As a Civil War Union soldier reenactor, Mr. Baltzer is familiar with combat. The “veteran” is known for his hand-to-hand combat as well as work with a rifle and a bayonet. The new father is getting his “dad bod” into mid-season form, coming in as the nine seed in this bracket for the second straight year and looking to avenge last year’s first round loss. Baltzer is a student favorite and also has some experience on the football field. He is an expert on literally every topic known to man and has the intelligence, along with the physical build, to make a run in this tournament. His matchup against Mr. Colwell could be the most intriguing of this first round.
#10 seed: Mr. (Mike) Flanagan by Jaryn Simpson
Mr. Flanagan served in the Vietnam War, so you can believe he has some major fighting skills. He is a very wise and aggressive man that is willing to do anything for his country. Anyone who has had him as a teacher knows that he exemplifies this exact anger and retaliation in the classroom. Many of his opponents are defeated before they can even throw a punch due to his sheer intimidation skills. Mr. Flanagan is very tactical and knows the perfect times to attack. He is a scary first round matchup and poses a major upset possibility. This man will do anything to win and has the experience, expertise, knowledge, and fearlessness to get the job done.
#11 seed: Mr. Hubert by Brian Buseck
After a first-round loss last year, seasoned English and Journalism teacher, Mr. Hubert, also known as Hu-bot, is looking to pack a punch in this year’s UF³C. He’s all charged up and ready to go. He is truly nuts and bolts for this tournament. Know that when his opponent is only starting to plan an attack, Hu-bot’s gears have been turning for quite a while, calculating the most precise and advantageous attack possible. Don’t make him upset, or he’ll short circuit with anger. When this happens, the AP Language and Composition teacher will use his remarkable rhetorical skills to verbally assault his opponent. He will wield his words to get at his opponents deepest insecurities, convincing them that they are no match for the mighty Hu-bot, and making them crumble to the arena floor in tears. This is when he goes in for the win. His basketball career has continued throughout his life, having played against the likes of NBA legend LeBron James in grade school and with Cathedral Prep legend Mr. Colwell in the faculty vs. CYO All-Stars game. These skills prove invaluable. Don’t mess with Hu-bot. His energy is electric, and he’s laser focused. He’s wired and programmed to attack, and he will terminate anyone in his way.
#12 seed: Mr. Markley by Alec Thomas
One of the most underrated contenders coming into this year’s UF³C, Mr. Markley looks to make some noise after he was overlooked. Last year, Markley entered the tournament as a 3-seed before being upset in the quarterfinals by eventual champion Mr. Achille. Time and time again, Mr. Markley is proving that he still has what it takes to be the last one standing when the dust settles. After leading the Cathedral Prep wrestling team to one of its most decorated seasons in school history, we can see he still has that wrestling firepower to put his opponents on the floor. With Mountain Dew as his fuel, we can be sure that we will not see him waver as the fight goes on. A skilled chemist, Markley has hinted that the mysterious element “Marklanium” will be the Kryptonite for his opponents. Look for Mr. Markely to brew up some exciting results.
#13 seed: Mr. Wrigley by Roman Zegarelli
Standing at roughly 7’5″ tall, the Muenster of a man, Mr. Wrigley, is ready to give any opponent a knuckle sandwich. His arms are massive from stirring his award winning soups, and his fists are powerful from kneading dough. He’s ready to beat any chicken of an opponent, tenderizing them with his clubs. He knows what’s at steak in this tournament. Although he is usually at a simmer, he’s ready to turn the heat up on the competition. He will take down any opponent… piece of cake. He’s ready to put on the sauce. Who has the onions to take on this beefy man in his UF³C debut?
#14 seed: Mr. Daeschner by Trent Robison
Mr. Daeschner was inexcusably left out of last year’s inaugural UF³C tournament. Mr. Daeschner isn’t one to mess with either. He stands at approximately 6’3″ tall and weighs in at approximately 180 pounds with some very thick biceps. The man can really throw a punch. When it comes to intimidation, no one does it better. Just ask some of the freshmen and junior students who have taken his World History classes. Known for his strict rules, and intense classroom discipline, Mr. Daeschner is more than ready for this tournament. He is the longest tenured Prep teacher and is ready to add to his already impressive legacy. Everyone knows not to mess with Mr. Daeschner, and if another faculty member does, don’t expect them to show up to class for a few days.
#15 seed: Mr. Vicary by Brian Buseck
Don’t mistake Mr. Vicary’s inclination towards art as a disinterest in more traditionally masculine activities. Spending hours a week painting and sketching have made Vicary’s arms truly massive. The eons he has spent sculpting clay have sculpted his body into a real life sculpture, comparable in physical condition only to Michaelangelo’s iconic David. Along with his physique, Vicary has acquired numerous skills while working out at Pennbriar. His kettle bell workouts have made him into a lean mean fighting machine. Racquetball gives him cat-like reflexes. Spin classes tone his legs to make him capable of darting around any arena faster than Usain Bolt. Rest assured, Vicary plans to paint a masterpiece with his opponents in an attempt to rebound from his first round defeat last year.
#16 seed: Mr. Ng by Alec Thomas
An absolute wildcard in this tournament, Mr. Ng rounds out a highly competitive field as the 16th seed. His scrappy fighting style and verbal abuse of his opponents could leave them flat on their backs as Mr. Ng looks to grind out these fights. The school’s 3D printers have been fired up and may produce a WWE-style steel chair for him to use to strike his opponents. With the help of the robotics he has access to, a few modifications could be made to terminate his opponents. On the tactical side, Mr. Ng has to be one of the smartest coming into the fight. Look for complex fighting styles as he turns this into a battle of brain over brawn.