Movie Review: Arctic Dogs


November 20, 2019

I’m probably a bit too old to watch movies like this—but I still did anyway. However, I don’t consider myself above these sorts of films, as there are a lot of movies out there that are for children but still are enjoyable by all audiences. This balance is admittedly hard to strike though, and many movies like this fall into pure obnoxious slap-stick humor only enjoyable by the kids who think eating their snot is a good idea. But, I decided to see Arctic Dogs to see just how bad it could get, and bad it got indeed—very bad.

So, before I start, it is probable that most people have seen nothing about this movie, but it actually has a lot of celebrity status behind it. There are a lot of big names in this movie (like Jeremy Renner and James Franco for example), so it’s surprising that this movie didn’t get more attention. It had a budget of around $50 million, and at the time of this review, it has only made about $2.3 million in over 2,800 movie theaters, making it the biggest flop in cinema history on that scale. After watching it, I can really see why.

In all honesty, the biggest crime this movie commits is just being painfully average. The story is about Swifty, a fox who wants to be a part of the high-ranking couriers at the Arctic Blast Delivery Service, known as the Top Dogs. On an attempt to do a high-ranking delivery, he stumbles upon a secret base where Otto Von Walrus (I know, I know) is planning to melt the arctic and take over the world. He then decides to assemble a rag-tag group of friends to attempt to save the arctic and gain the reputation he deserves.

It’s basically your standard underdog story, and all of Swifty’s friends fit into the typical stereotypes for these sorts of films. I don’t normally think too much about the soundtracks for movies unless it is a core part of it, but I have to say something about the soundtrack in this movie. And it’s that it’s painful, very, very painful. It’s one of those where it’s really generic but for some reason it just bothers you. That’s all I really have to say though. I know that I haven’t said much about the plot, and that is for similar reasons (it just being very generic and standard). Overall, the movie just feels like a discount-brand Shrek, or something similar to that.

TLDR: I would not recommend this movie. Even if you’re looking for something for the kids I feel this would more bore them to death rather than entertain. Only watch this if you feel the need to support this movie monetarily because it bombed so badly. So I guess in other words…

The cold brew didn’t hit.

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